Walls vs Boundaries - How to Build Strong Boundaries - 5 Guidelines
I frequently encounter individuals who try to cope with life's pressures by building emotional barriers. They have been deeply hurt and no longer trust themselves, feeling unsafe and seeking protection. Alternatively, they may be overwhelmed by stress and anxiety, unable to handle any additional pressure. The thought of adding more stress leaves them feeling paralysed and vulnerable.
Once we reach a point of such vulnerability, we blur the lines between healthy boundaries and disempowering emotional walls.
So, what is the difference between boundaries and walls? Why is one beneficial and the other destructive?
Boundaries serve as a framework that allows for balanced and open interaction with those around you, while also safeguarding your emotional space. On the other hand, walls create a solid barrier that significantly restricts interaction, leaving room only for sporadic shouting over the divide.
Personal boundaries are healthy and empowering.
Your boundaries are a guide for people to understand what is important to you and how you want to be treated. They communicate not only how you want to be treated but also how you will interact with others, respecting and valuing their boundaries. If I value my privacy, I will value yours. Your boundaries are important in defining you as an individual. Without boundaries, people may treat you with disrespect. Always being available and constantly accommodating others does not necessarily make people like and respect you. It can lead to others not valuing you and asking too much of you because you have become a people-pleaser. This can bring stress and anxiety, as you may not have time to finish your tasks and may constantly worry about what others think of you.
Emotional walls are isolating and create insecurity.
Walls, on the other hand, create a complete shutout. You operate within society in a "safe and secure" bubble. But is that bubble truly safe and secure? If it were challenged, how resilient would you be, and what emotional toll would it take? Building walls is a coping mechanism. Like all coping mechanisms, it requires effort to maintain and is often tested. It changes us as individuals because we focus on what we don’t want rather than what we desire and where we want to go. It leads to exclusion from society, resulting in loneliness and fear. Does that sound like a healthy relationship with yourself? Walls may seem easy because they keep everyone out. And that’s precisely the problem – they keep everyone out. They keep you locked in and everyone else out – even people who love you and want to support you.
How to Set Healthy Personal Boundaries
1. Know yourself. Take the time to truly understand yourself. Be completely honest with yourself. We all shape our view of the world through our beliefs. Ensure that your view is one that empowers you. Do not live a life restricted by limiting beliefs about what is right or how you should behave and perceive the world. Create a perspective based on empowered beliefs and be assertive in knowing what’s right for you. And always remember, as you evolve, it’s perfectly acceptable to adjust your boundaries.
2. Be focused and sure. Be sure to set boundaries based on thoughtful consideration rather than an emotional reaction. Once you establish your boundary, be confident it will still be important to you an hour from now, tomorrow, or next year. Understand that your boundary will give you strength and bring you peace. Of course, you may change your boundary if it no longer benefits you; this shows self-awareness and growth.
3. No guilt. It’s common for people to disregard their boundaries due to societal pressures. You should never feel guilty about setting boundaries that are right for you. You are unique and know what is best for you. I don’t have the right to impose my lifestyle on you, just as you don’t have the right to impose yours on me. Your boundaries shouldn’t bend to fit society’s expectations. You have every right to maintain your boundaries. Embrace your boundaries. The only person who can disregard your boundaries is yourself. You have the power to control what enters your mind and the ability to make changes if you so choose. You alone can assert and reinforce your boundaries or choose to remain silent and allow others to treat you as they wish.
4. Speak up. Never be afraid to speak up when you feel uncomfortable with how you are being treated or manipulated. We are often too scared to hurt people or stand out, allowing ourselves to disrespect ourselves. Never feel that you do not have power over your life. Stand up for what you want, speak up, and tell the world who you are and what you want.
5. Love and respect yourself. When you love someone, you only want the best for them. You will treat them with respect equal to your love. Why will you not do that for yourself? Treat yourself with kindness and love. Respect yourself and do not tolerate others who do not show you the same respect. People who are confident in themselves, value themselves, and have respect for themselves command respect and value from others. You must first be what you want to experience externally.
Enforcing boundaries still requires effort, but completely shutting others out comes with a significant cost. Maintaining walls entails constant vigilance, defensiveness, and feelings of loneliness. On the other hand, healthy boundaries can be empowering, allowing for connection with others while maintaining individuality and providing a strong sense of safety.
When your boundaries are authentic, they take no effort.
Sue Leppan
Master Transformation Life Coach
NLP Practitioner
Qualified Energy Codes® Facilitator
Qualified BEST® Practitioner
